- JAMES OH
- TEA ART BLOG
- Money Tells Stories
- Christian Walk Toward Destinty
- Stay Healthy Through Jokes
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- LIFT YOU UP COMMUNITY
- ABOUT JAMES OH - DRIVING SUSTAINABLE VALUE CREATION
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- 2B INTERVIEWED BY US
PURPOSE OF THE BLOG
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
In the New Year,
we, at the lift you up blog, wish you the best year you've ever had,
and that each New Year will be much better than the preceding year.
May you realize your fondest dreams
and take time to recognize and enjoy each and every blessing.
Happy New Year,
And many more!
On behalf of lift you up blog,
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
You deserve a good hearty laugh now and then.
Jokes -- Code name from girls
Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.
The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins.
Years passed, and it was time to get them married.
So, the parents found them the most suitable ' leng chais ' (handsome guys).
They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.
As ' concerned ' (more like ' kay-poh ' ) parents, Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters ' first-night experience.
So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them...... ' Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands ' curiosity... you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences ' .
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed.
Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. ' Ah! here it is! ' , exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was... ' BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY '.
Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. 'NESCAFE ' . So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. ' Ah! here it is. ' NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP ' . Mr. & Mrs. Ng beamed with joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella.
The Ngs became worried.
Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was ' SINGAPORE AIRLINES ' . Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. ' Ah! Here it is! ' Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!. ..she fell off her chair. The motto was ... ' 7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP '!
S. C. Yen
I once was lost,
now am found,
but now I see.
I like to thank You for Your daily provision of life and strength,
and for countless good things You give me each day.
My times are in my Father's hand;
How could I wish or ask for more?
For He who has my path way planned,
will give me till my journey over.
Lord, grant me grace throughout this day,
To walk the straight and narrow way,
To do whatsoever in Thy sight,
Is good and perfect, just and right.
O Lord, You see what's in the heart,
There is nothing hid from You,
So help us live the kind of life,
That's filled with love for You
Let Your word fill my heart,
Rule my heart, and guide my tongue.
To walk close by Your side,
my dear Savior.
To be led by You, doing each task,
To feast richly on grace of Your table,
And know You are all that I ask.
Jesus said that we had have trouble
In this world so filled with sin,
But we need not be discouraged-
He will give peace and joy within. - Like the lotus living in the mud- stay unpolluted.
Injustices are hard to bear,
They make us want to fight;
(stay control of our selves; don't act by our flesh; let God be God; don't stir up issue to disharmony the society)
But God knows what we are going through,
In time He will make things right.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.
You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.
Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.
After drying sheets, put both sheets and one pillowcase in the other pillow case. Fold neatly in a square. Next time you change sheets, you just take the one pillow case and all the sheets and pillow case are inside. No need to look for matches.
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken pieces of glass - the fibers catch ones you can't see!
Easier thank you's
When you throw a bridal/baby shower, buy a pack of thank you cards for the guest of honor. During the party, pass out the envelopes and have everyone put their address on one. When the bride/new mother sends the thank you's, they're all addressed!
If you purchase a new bike for your child, place their picture inside the handle bar before placing the grips on. If the bike is stolen and later recovered, remove the grip and there is your proof who owns the bike.
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- voila -- static is gone.
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser!
Works better than a cloth!
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...
Good-bye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2 with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
Take baby powder to the beach
Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When you're ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.
You Have Become Much Smarter NOW!!
Monday, December 22, 2008
You are who you are for a reason.
You are part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
NO, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurts you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Mater's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice. On Madam's (of Whelan's and Madam) tombstone she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).
3. Keep learning: Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things. (Ice cream, good movies, chocolate, more ice cream, more chocolate)
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with that person.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you. Lost time can never be found. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.
12. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
And if you don't share this with others.
Monday, December 8, 2008
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.
If you want to brighten someone's day, share this with someone special.
I just did!
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at
6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall,she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital(at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.)
She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. It only takes a minute to read this - Recognizing a Stroke -----
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally. He said the trick was getting a
stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps.
Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. *Ask the person to SAY A SIMPLE SENTENCE
(Coherently) (example: "It is sunny today")
If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-9-9 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke
Association's one of the annual meetings.
Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this article and shares it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.
BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could save their lives.
I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but instantly the water in the cup 'blew-up' into his face.
The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face, which may leave scarring. He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye.. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy such as: a wooden stir stick, tea bag, etc. It is however a much safer choice to boil the water in a teakettle.
General Electric 's (GE) response:
Thanks for contacting us. I will be happy to assist you. The e-mail that you received is correct. Micro waved water and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or teabag is put into it. To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds before moving it or adding anything into it.
If you share this with others .... you could very well save someone from a lot of pain and suffering.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
1. Leaders must inspire people before they challenge people to look forward.
Obama was able to inspire people with a picture of a preferred tomorrow- like both Clinton and Reagan before him. When leaders do this, people feel they're able to acknowledge and accept the challenge of the present realities they have to face. This show he has a better foresight to handle the future and does not let the past to hold him back. Another word, he is more looking forward than backward.
2. Leaders must build a brand that creates a tribe.
Barak Obama developed a brand ("Change You Can Believe In") and a tribe of all colors, ages and socio-economic backgrounds. There was a definite identity as Obama supporters. People want to belong to a tribe-so leaders must create one – that show love see no color. More importantly, he admitted the fact that the change is certain and therefore it is more appropriate for the leader to ask their people to get ready and face the changes with confidence.
Obviously Barack Obama was able to create a new culture within his party. I believe this is the challenge of both major political parties, and for that matter, nearly every organization that plans to succeed. This month Growing Leaders is offering a special on the fourth book in the Habitudes™ series: "The Art of Changing Culture."
3. Leaders must communicate in an authentic and sincerely and honestly.
This is not a substance issue but a style issue. People need to "feel" something as they follow their leader. They want to believe in him or her. They love it when their leader is authentic not plastic. (Authentic means "to author"; or to originate one's own identity.) In addition, people love to follow a leader who uses fresh technology. It gives them the sense the leader is on the cutting edge. Leader must always blow consistent trumpet so that he sends the right and not confusing statement to his followers so as to get confidence from his people. In short, he must walk on his talk.
4. Leaders must connect with ordinary people.
This one is a lesson from both candidates. People want to see the humanity of their leader. They want to experience a connection with him or her. They want to feel he understands us. They do not want to choose a leader who lives in Ivory tower and believe the leader can identify with them-like the neighbor next door. John McCain did this by talking about his P.O.W. experience in Vietnam. He was a hero, but he was a human who struggled and suffered in his past. Barak Obama did this by talking about his boyhood years, being raised by a single mom and his grandparents - - not a wealthy, nuclear family. And he's from a minority race. People are impressed with a leader's achievements, but they identify with a leader's struggles. That’s show that he really know the issue his people is facing so that his people will know that he can tackle it with confidence.
5. Leaders must foster a hope that people can make a difference.
The most important question in any election is: who inspires more? The leader who projects greater hope for the people, gets followed. Today, because of the present unrest and uncertainty in the US country, people voted for the quality and capability leader. People felt that Barak Obama is more capable to handle on where the future was going than John McCain did. If a leader can instill confidence, and if the leader can motivate ordinary people to join them because they will make a difference in history. . . you've got yourself a winning combination.
6. Leaders must unite the people and not divide them
Leaders must be able to unite his people, but not divide them and rule. Obama has demonstrated such a excellent quality by retaining his political rival to work together with him to overcome the unprecedented economic challenge in the history of the United Stated. In this sense, he realized and acknowledged that he needed more talented and capable people to address those critical issues at hand - well indicate his maturity and capability in handling these critical issues, which earn him the confidence and respect from his people.
7. Leaders must put the people interest above their individual interest
Leaders must show that he put the people interest first since the people who give his people first. Therefore it is more appropriate that the people interest must always put above of everything. He should put aside of their individual differences aside and work together to overcome the challenges his people are currently facing. He must admit and accept the effectiveness of servant leadership.
8. Leaders be selected based on his wisdom and capability
Leaders be selected based on his capability and wisdom so as to reflect the maturity of the society. In this aspect, we all can’t deny that the US has well ahead of any other countries in the world. This is not only a concern to America, but the rests of the world as well. Being the might in the world, it is definitely directly, or indirectly affects the lives of everybody so long as you stay in this planet. Therefore, it is everybody concerns that this great nation is fall into good hand and ultimately to ensure that the third world war would not erupted.
Use this as a platform for discussion to polish your own leadership.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Share this with all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McMullan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothing', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
"I've Lost My Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all my luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Manager : Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear.What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
A teacher was asking her class:"What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal is a sick eagle."
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient : What happened?
Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient : Well... The bad news first ...
Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : -90.00.
Patient : -90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.
The first thing they prayed for was food.The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife.
The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land.
On the other side of the island, there was nothing. Soon the first man prayed for a house,clothes, and more food. The next day, like magic,all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered. As the ship was about to leave, the first man
heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"
"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered.
"His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."
"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."
"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"
"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."
For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us. This is too good not to share.
With obedience come blessings. My prayer for you today is that all your prayers are answered. Be blessed.
"What you do for others is more important than what you do for yourself"
A good friend shared this with me, please share this with your friend.
Have a great day! By the way, just do not forget this in order to receive JOY in your heart is this -
Jesus, others and then yourself (JOY)
The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
These really hit the point.
Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please "
Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job.
She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc
Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected" She is not sure of the
question. After much thought, she writes " Yes "
Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermos flask Boss : "What is
that shiny object ?"
Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it ?"
Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" (^_^)
After taking photocopies of documents,
Ah Soh always compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.
Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms
Because she thinks her picture is being taken.
How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ?
Because it has a postage stamp on it.
Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?
Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.
Her friend get a seat downstair and Ah Soh goes upstairs. After a while, her friend goes upstairs to look for Ah Soh and find her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering.
Her friend:"What happen to you ? why are you shivering, I was enjoying my ride
Ah Soh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver but I don't"
Thursday, December 4, 2008
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the
ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:
"You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and
frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and
bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of
minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and
a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at
the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do
you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
Top Joke in Wales
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he
could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
terror like his passengers.
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend
to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are. Anais Nin.
IN LIFE WE ARE ALL FACED WITH ADVERSITY AND WITH WHAT APPEAR TO BE IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGES. PLEASE SCROLL AND LEARN ABOUT 'WITH A LITTLE FAITH'. Hal Miller
The owner/trainer of this remarkable dog is Jude Stringfellow who lives in Edmond , Oklahoma . Recently she has been busy taking Faith to Veterans Hospitals all over the country where he inspires wounded miltary patients.
-- The Trouper
This is called 'Faith.' His name is Faith!This dog was born on Christmas Eve in 2002. He was born with 3 legs - 2 healthy hind legs and 1 abnormal front leg which need to be amputated. He of course could not walk when he was born. Even his mother did not want him.
His first owner also did not think that he could survive. Therefore, he was thinking of putting him to sleep. At this time, his present owner Jude Stringfellow met him and wanted to take care of him. She was determined to teach and train this dog to walk by himself. Therefore she named him 'Faith.' In the beginning, she put Faith on a surf board to let him feel the movements of the water. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and to reward him for standing up and jumping around. Even the other dogs at home helped to encourage him to walk. Amazingly, after only 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on his 2 hind legs and jumped to move forward. After further training in the snow, he can now walk like a human being.
Faith loves to walk around now. No matter where he goes, he just attracts all the people around him. He is now becoming famous on the international scene. He has appeared in various newspapers and TV shows. There is even one book entitled 'With a little faith' being published about him. He was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.
His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching job and plans to take him around the world to preach that, 'even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul.'
In life there are always undesirable things. Perhaps one will feel better if one changes the point of view from another direction. I hope this message will bring fresh new ways of thinking to everyone and that everyone can appreciate and be thankful for each beautiful day that follows.
Healing your own heart is the single most powerful thing you can do to change the world.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucosecombined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for astrenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruitwith the world's leading athletes.But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can alsohelp overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions,making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana.This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin inthe blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassiumyet low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so,the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry tomake official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of bloodpressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obesewere more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levelsby snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit thatcan be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat,sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassiumlevels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine,"eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF YOUR ON-LINE FRIENDS and FAMILYPS
Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
Life is short but a smile takes barely a second.
Every tear has a smile behind it.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn't climb over it.
If you see a friend without a smile; give him one of yours.
A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around
Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.
Too often we underestimate the power of a smile, which have the potential to turn a life around.
Smiles are the language of love.
The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.
All people smile in the same language.
Children smile on the average 400 times/day; Adults: 15 times/day.. Ever wonder why?
A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.
If I thought that a smile of mine, might linger the whole day through and lighten some heart with a heavier part, I'd not withhold it -- Would you?
Smile because God gave Human this beautiful gift - A Smile....
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, "It really works!"
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
She is a woman
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable................
Monday, December 1, 2008
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND.TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH.THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE! AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING,HE WROTE ON A STONE: 'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE'.
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'
THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT'
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.
SHARE THIS WITH THE PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER FORGET. I JUST DID.
IF YOU DON'T SHARE IT WITH ANYONE, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN A HURRY AND THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS.
TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE! DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!
'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
God wants us to give life a chuckle... He wants us to be happy!
~~~~~~Some Christian Humor~~~~~
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.'Only the Ten Commandments. ' answered the lady. ========
'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,'and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!'
said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?'
the teacher asked. 'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...'
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'
The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?'
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy.' the young boy replied excitedly,
'It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.''
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb..
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile? Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver..
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
------------ --------- ----
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, And share it with other folk!
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish.If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh.The Japanese did not like the taste.
To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish.The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days,they lost their fresh-fish taste.
The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you recommend?
How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.
Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired and dull, so we need a Shark in our life to keep usawake and moving? Basically in our lives Sharks are new challenges to keep us active and taste better.....The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a challenge. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are Conqueror.
You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the
Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads:: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Read this today and don't ignore it if you are too busy!! You'll see why.
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared . Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'
The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said. 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Thought for the Day:
God sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
主題: Fw: 轉寄：英國燈泡包裝紙上的警語
我不清楚台灣的燈泡是不是跟英國一樣。在英國，燈泡的包裝紙上都有警告-- Do not put that object into your mouth.
意思是不要把燈泡放進口中。那有人會放這東西進口中？英國人都有些白痴 ... 告訴你，世事無絕對！ 有天我和一個印度朋友在家中看電視，我和他談到這件事，他告訴我 他們小學的教科書也有說到，燈泡放進口後便會卡住， 無論如何都拿不出來，他十分肯定書是那麼說的..
但這印度白痴只說書上是那麼說的... 便一定是正確 ... 我被他這種不求甚解的態度弄火了，我說他笨，他說我不會英文不看書... 我們便吵了起來 ... 我一肚火地回了家，拿起一個普通大小的燈泡在床上左想右想， 始終認為我沒有錯， 想到這印度朋友的無知，也本著科學家的精神----- 大膽假設，小心求證。
不消 1秒便滑入了口，倒也容易...照這樣看要拿出來絕無問題。心想你這印度白痴，看看我中國人的智慧和膽色吧！不像你這書呆子...心想中國戰勝印度 ... 打從心裡笑了出來...哈哈！
於是我輕鬆的拉了燈泡一下......... 好！我放多點力 ........o.k ！我把口張大一 些 ........ 不怕，我把口張到最大，再放多一點力 ( 要很小心拉才能避免燈破掉）......... 媽的！ ... 真的在嘴巴內卡住了 ......好在還有瓶菜油 .........
( 30 分鐘後）我倒了3/4瓶油，其中一半倒了進肚，但那燈泡還是動也不動... 這時候，我只好打電話求救 ...................... 正當我按到一半，我記起我口中塞了個燈泡 ... 如何說話？
現在我只好向鄰居求助，我寫了一張便條後便去找鄰家那老婦。她一見我便大呼救命 ...我立即給她看我的便條 --- please call me a taxi and tell the driver to take me hospital.
她看了大約1.75 分鐘後大聲狂笑... (如果我說得出話我便 K她了.） 15分鐘後，計程車來了。 司機一見我，笑了一回 ( 其實他一直沒有停過）。 在計程車上不停的問我何以這麼做 ...(...***... 我如何答他？）
還不停說我的口太小，如果是他的口便沒有問題... 我看看他的口真是很大 ... 但我好想告訴他，無論如何不要試...可惜我開不了口！我看看他的倒後鏡，我好像含住了一條金魚 ... 在醫院，我被護士罵了十多分鐘，說我浪費她們時間。
還要我排一條很長的龍... 我在人群中待了2.5小時 ...2.5小時... 那些痛楚萬分的傷者，看見我都好像不痛了 ...人人都偷偷笑出來... 我覺得自己還有些作用 ... 醫生把綿花放進我口的兩旁，然後把燈泡打碎...一片片的拿出來... 我的口腫得很大 ...最後他告訴我下回不要再試，和告訴別人我的經驗 ... 我告訴他，我一定不會了。
當我離開醫院時，我在想，這地球一定沒有像我這麼白痴的生物了... 當我開門離開時，迎面來了一個人，是剛才那計程車司機 ...他口中含了一個燈泡 .......
註：因為燈泡是圓形的 而人的口腔構造要含住燈泡很簡單 但是當你要吐出燈泡時 因為牙齒會卡住燈泡中間最寬的地方 如果用力張開嘴巴 口腔內部又會施壓到燈泡 所以就吐不出來了!! 也因此,國外的燈泡包裝上 會註明:請勿放到嘴巴!!
Warren Buffett never flies in a private jet -- even though he owns the largest private jet company. He also lives in a small three-bedroom house he bought 50 years ago, and keeps himself occupied by playing online bridge.It is refreshing, and inspiring, to hear of a man with all the wealth in the world who still believes that happiness lies not with riches but within yourself.You, too, may become immensely happier by integrating some of the following wisdom into your own life.
Secret #1: Happiness comes from within.
“In my adult business life I have never had to make a choice of trading between professional and personal. I tap-dance to work, and when I get there it’s tremendous fun.” -- Warren Buffett
If you do what you love and love what you do, you’ll naturally be productive.
Secret #2: Find happiness in simple pleasures.
“I have simple pleasures. I play bridge online for 12 hours a week.” -- Warren Buffett
You can also learn to be happy with the simple pleasures of playing cards with friends, playing with your children or taking a walk in the wilderness.
Secret #3: Live a simple life.
“I just naturally want to do things that make sense. In my personal life too, I don’t care what other rich people are doing. I don’t want a 405 foot boat just because someone else has a 400 foot boat.” -- Warren Buffett
Keeping up with the Joneses is the worst epidemic among those who should never contemplate that notion in the first place. Less is more.
Secret #4: Think Simply.
“I want to be able to explain my mistakes. This means I do only the things I completely understand.” -- Warren Buffett
If you apply this rule in your life, you can develop clarity and sanity in your thoughts. Life is about simple yet profound choices.
Secret #5: Invest Simply.
“The best way to own common stocks is through an index fund.” -- Warren Buffett
Often, the simplest route will bring you the most riches, and the most happiness.
Secret #6: Have a mentor in life.
“I was lucky to have the right heroes. Tell me who your heroes are and I’ll tell you how you’ll turn out to be. The qualities of the one you admire are the traits that you, with a little practice, can make your own, and that, if practiced, will become habit-forming.” -- Warren Buffett
Having a mentor is as important as having a purpose in your life, but having a wrong mentor is as devastating as having a wrong purpose in your life. The mentor has to be someone you can trust. You’ll find that person in your inner circle if you think hard enough.
Secret #7: Making money isn’t the backbone of your guiding purpose; making money is the by-product of your guiding purpose.
“If you’re doing something you love, you’re more likely to put your all into it, and that generally equates to making money.” -- Warren Buffett
Money should never become the object and end all of your motivation.
Success Soul July 15, 2008
When she explained to the policeman what had happened, he told her something that every driver should know NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She had thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.But the policeman told her that if the cruise control is on and your car begins to hydroplane -- when your tyres lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed and you take off like an airplane.She told the policeman that was exactly what had occurred.
The policeman estimated her car was actually traveling through the air at 10 to 15 kms per hour faster than the speed set on the cruise control. The policeman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning.
We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the road is dry. The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the policeman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.
If you share this to 15 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was all worth it. You might have saved a life.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
“Because I am a woman.” She answers.
“I don’t understand” he says.
His mother hugs him and says: “and you never will.”
Later the little boy asked his father: “Why does mommy cry?”
“All women cry for no reason,” is all that his father could answer him.
When he became an adult he asked God: “God, why woman cry so easily?”
When I created woman, she needed to be special.
I created her shoulders strong enough to bear the weight of the world…
And soft enough to be comfortable.
I gave her the strength to give life,
The kind that accepts the rejection that often comes from children.
I gave her the strength to allow her to go on when everybody else give up.
The kind that takes care of her family, despite illness and fatigue.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children unconditionally, even when they have hurt her deeply.
I gave her the strength to endure her husband in his faults.
And finally, I gave her tears to shed whenever she needs them to be shed.
You see my son, the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, nor is it in her face or in the way she does her hair.
The beauty of a woman resides in her eyes.
It is the door to her heart, the door where love resides.
And it is often through her tears that you see her heart go by.
Share this message..
Lift the spirit of other women!
Let the world know that all beings are beautiful!
To those who have made you smiled.
When you needed it the most…
To those who have made you see the good side of things when you only saw the worse…
To those to whom you want to say “How much you value their relationship…or simply…..
…thank you for giving me a glimpse of ….
….a better world……..
Have a wonderful day!!
This shop stored more than 300 types of Pu’er tea.
Well designed and not only displaying with various types of Pu’er teas, but also its accessories such as tea ports, cups and other utensils.
Some of the tea ports are of the reproduction of ancient master piece.
The owner, Mr Lim, is always welcome visitors to his shop in Kuantan. He is more than happy to share his ideas, knowledge and experience to anyone who has such interest.
If you want him to grade your teas, then you are encouraged to bring along your teas of your favour to his shop. He has been in this field for more than two decades.
For those who want to invest in tea, he is more than happy to give you insight of his real experience where he can import in bulk directly from his reliable network.
Below please find some of the photos taken from his shop.
Besides of displaying variety type of Pu'er. You may find some creative works. The table base of dried roots of huge trees attracted my attention. You may make a trip there and find out more of such creative works if you wish to.
The shop, AMBITIOUS NETWORK SDN BHD , is located in Kuantan, Pahang, Malaysia.
Tel No : 09-5669137
H/p No : 012-0383361
Red --> Asian
B: Talk to the point
R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
B: on time.
R: in time.
B: Contact to related person only
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner
R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant .
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is, rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity .
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboyand ..
Wife on the cover of 'missing persons'
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to takeoff her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.'
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED '
OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Because she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything
Friday, November 28, 2008
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor.
I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE