I'll be happy when ...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.

If you want to brighten someone's day, share this with someone special.




I just did!

Getting old

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing
comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"


"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."


"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at
6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

STROKE IDENTIFICATION

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall,she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital(at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.)

She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. It only takes a minute to read this - Recognizing a Stroke -----

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally. He said the trick was getting a
stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps.
Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. *Ask the person to SAY A SIMPLE SENTENCE

(Coherently) (example: "It is sunny today")

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-9-9 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke
Association's one of the annual meetings.

Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this article and shares it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could save their lives.

Microwaved water - One must read

A 26-year old guy decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before).

I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but instantly the water in the cup 'blew-up' into his face.

The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face, which may leave scarring. He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye.. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy such as: a wooden stir stick, tea bag, etc. It is however a much safer choice to boil the water in a teakettle.

General Electric 's (GE) response:

Thanks for contacting us. I will be happy to assist you. The e-mail that you received is correct. Micro waved water and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or teabag is put into it. To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds before moving it or adding anything into it.

If you share this with others .... you could very well save someone from a lot of pain and suffering.

Lessons I Learn From the Recent US Election

Well, again the American has made another history, to lead us into new political landscape. Barack Obama was just elected as the first African-American president of the United States. What did the whole thing teach us about leadership and about people? Let me go through each point listed below:

1. Leaders must inspire people before they challenge people to look forward.

Obama was able to inspire people with a picture of a preferred tomorrow- like both Clinton and Reagan before him. When leaders do this, people feel they're able to acknowledge and accept the challenge of the present realities they have to face. This show he has a better foresight to handle the future and does not let the past to hold him back. Another word, he is more looking forward than backward.

2. Leaders must build a brand that creates a tribe.

Barak Obama developed a brand ("Change You Can Believe In") and a tribe of all colors, ages and socio-economic backgrounds. There was a definite identity as Obama supporters. People want to belong to a tribe-so leaders must create one – that show love see no color. More importantly, he admitted the fact that the change is certain and therefore it is more appropriate for the leader to ask their people to get ready and face the changes with confidence.

Obviously Barack Obama was able to create a new culture within his party. I believe this is the challenge of both major political parties, and for that matter, nearly every organization that plans to succeed. This month Growing Leaders is offering a special on the fourth book in the Habitudes™ series: "The Art of Changing Culture."

3. Leaders must communicate in an authentic and sincerely and honestly.

This is not a substance issue but a style issue. People need to "feel" something as they follow their leader. They want to believe in him or her. They love it when their leader is authentic not plastic. (Authentic means "to author"; or to originate one's own identity.) In addition, people love to follow a leader who uses fresh technology. It gives them the sense the leader is on the cutting edge. Leader must always blow consistent trumpet so that he sends the right and not confusing statement to his followers so as to get confidence from his people. In short, he must walk on his talk.

4. Leaders must connect with ordinary people.

This one is a lesson from both candidates. People want to see the humanity of their leader. They want to experience a connection with him or her. They want to feel he understands us. They do not want to choose a leader who lives in Ivory tower and believe the leader can identify with them-like the neighbor next door. John McCain did this by talking about his P.O.W. experience in Vietnam. He was a hero, but he was a human who struggled and suffered in his past. Barak Obama did this by talking about his boyhood years, being raised by a single mom and his grandparents - - not a wealthy, nuclear family. And he's from a minority race. People are impressed with a leader's achievements, but they identify with a leader's struggles. That’s show that he really know the issue his people is facing so that his people will know that he can tackle it with confidence.

5. Leaders must foster a hope that people can make a difference.

The most important question in any election is: who inspires more? The leader who projects greater hope for the people, gets followed. Today, because of the present unrest and uncertainty in the US country, people voted for the quality and capability leader. People felt that Barak Obama is more capable to handle on where the future was going than John McCain did. If a leader can instill confidence, and if the leader can motivate ordinary people to join them because they will make a difference in history. . . you've got yourself a winning combination.

6. Leaders must unite the people and not divide them

Leaders must be able to unite his people, but not divide them and rule. Obama has demonstrated such a excellent quality by retaining his political rival to work together with him to overcome the unprecedented economic challenge in the history of the United Stated. In this sense, he realized and acknowledged that he needed more talented and capable people to address those critical issues at hand - well indicate his maturity and capability in handling these critical issues, which earn him the confidence and respect from his people.

7. Leaders must put the people interest above their individual interest

Leaders must show that he put the people interest first since the people who give his people first. Therefore it is more appropriate that the people interest must always put above of everything. He should put aside of their individual differences aside and work together to overcome the challenges his people are currently facing. He must admit and accept the effectiveness of servant leadership.

8. Leaders be selected based on his wisdom and capability

Leaders be selected based on his capability and wisdom so as to reflect the maturity of the society. In this aspect, we all can’t deny that the US has well ahead of any other countries in the world. This is not only a concern to America, but the rests of the world as well. Being the might in the world, it is definitely directly, or indirectly affects the lives of everybody so long as you stay in this planet. Therefore, it is everybody concerns that this great nation is fall into good hand and ultimately to ensure that the third world war would not erupted.

Use this as a platform for discussion to polish your own leadership.

我先生一直在外商工作，出國開會，晚上應酬是常事。我們結婚一年小孩就出生了，我先生工作更忙，而我剛好也轉換一個新工作，早上 7點半要到公司開早會，聽解盤。我一個新手媽媽，不懂訣竅，小孩凌晨一點喝奶，清晨五點喝奶，我的睡眠時間被分割，新換的業務工作壓力，也常常讓我失眠。而我先生依然如常的上下班，我一肩扛起照顧小孩的責任，有時凌晨一點起床餵奶同時，還一邊替他準備解酒茶水及熱毛巾，因為他剛應酬回家。小孩四個月大時，他爭取到美國 St. Jose外訓行程一個月，我們發生了很大的爭執，希望他放棄，希望他在家陪我，因為我累了，新工作和照顧新生兒的壓力，讓我瘦的比產前還瘦。我先生告訴我，我不懂他的志向，像故事中的邱先生，自比為大鳥。我含淚讓他去美國，一個人早上送小孩去保母家，下班接回小孩，週末去陪他父母吃飯。一個月後他回來了，公司 Promote他，他志得意滿，人生似乎很平順。可是我的身體越來越差，我決定和他一起分攤照顧小孩的工作，我請他晚上幫忙照顧小孩，讓我好好睡一個月。他答應一個月不應酬，每晚回家帶小孩。不到一個月時間，有天我早晨醒來，看到他坐在身旁，他顯然是很早起床，要不就沒睡，他很慎重的問：『老婆我問你，這半年來你照顧小孩，都是這樣睡睡醒醒嗎？』我答： 『是啊。』他問： 『妳怎沒說？』我答： 『我說了，但你體會不到。』沉默了一會兒，他說：『如果我累了，可辭職回家帶小孩，養家是男人的天職。』但我告訴他： 『他也不懂我的志向，我和他受同樣的教育，我也有自己想要的人生，我也想被認同。』《我們是在國外求學時認識，一回國就結婚。》 他沉默許久，很憐惜的看著我說：『老婆，妳真的好辛苦。』從此以後，我先生很少應酬，一回家就換下衣服陪小孩。但出差到國外還是少不了，我也不再阻止。幾年後我們有了第二個兒子，生活更加忙碌，但我們很少爭執，因為我們各自在自己崗位上發展，並且互相支援。這幾年外商漸漸撤離台灣，我先生也面臨短暫失業，有天他對我說： 『老婆，妳有工作讓我減輕不少壓力，我可以慢慢尋找適合的工作。』後來他到一家上市公司負責中國南方的經營策略，常常海峽兩岸奔走，我還是一個人接送小孩，一個人上下班，週末陪他父母吃飯。最近他有較長的時間在台灣，回想結婚這十年來，他像大鵬鳥一樣四處飛翔，剛出社會時覺得太早結婚，婚姻某種程度上是他的牽絆，但現在卻老想回家。他說走遍世界各地，每到夜晚最想念的還是家裡的大床。我倒覺得我先生越來越像我兩個兒子，回到家總愛黏著我。我每天回家都聽兒子講學校發生的事，培養和小孩互動機會，我先生也急於和我分享他工作上的大小事，我因為從事承銷業務，對上市公司財務業務接觸廣泛，也常能提供他一些訊息及建議。我的感覺是婚姻生活是兩人 Compromise 的結果，沒有誰是大鳥，誰是小鳥。如果你飛的比較快，記得停下來等等對方，兩人要心存感激，互相扶持，讓兩人可以飛得久久長長。 畢竟…能夠一起飛，才是…人生最大的福氣。『夫子曰：如果你沒有準備好和對方一起走，切勿輕言結婚！』夫妻如果沒有共同的理想、抱負，其中一方就會像 《良駒》一樣，很痛苦地和 《一般牛》擠在同一柵欄中吃食；而 《美麗的鳳凰》，也會很委屈地和 《普通雞》 一樣，被關在同一籠中餵食。 ------------ 幸福思考；聰明行動 ------------幸福的保障，不在於別人的承諾，而是自我心態的調整。在享受快樂的時候 ，做好擁抱痛苦的心理準備。看信是一種幸福、它代表你有空閒沒空看信也是一種幸福、它代表你有比看信更重要的事忙著

Be Heathy

有关癌症--请看完,再先寄给别人-功德无量
三十多年前有一位服务于公卖局台北啤酒厂的张先生，参加该啤酒场 选派技术人员到国外深造的考试，以优异的成绩及格。在出国前经某公立医院体检发现，罹患有像孩拳头大小的肺部肿瘤，因而不能出国。
张先生非常失望之余，一直怀疑诊断有误；于是再到另一家医院检查，结果还是证实原来的诊断并无错误。当时年轻力壮的张先生得到这样的绝症，在人生绝望之余，多次打电话给当时任职台东县政府黄顺兴县长机要秘书的魏姓同学。
魏姓同学便利用星期日赶到台北和张先生见面，张先生向魏同学详述相关绝望的详情和悲观感受，并请位同学协助其后事，恰逢魏同学与前任马偕医院院长1949－55专精于癌症临床研究的吕革令博士）系知交好友。当即建议前往访求吕博士医治，起初张先生说不愿再看医生，以免徒增伤悲；但魏同学说先前已以电话请教过吕博士并安排好时间，张先生只好偕同前往吕博士住处造访。吕博士和张先生见面就说：魏先生是我的好友，介绍你和我认识是我们缘份，感谢上帝赐给我们这个机会；我请教你：『癌为什幺叫绝症，你可知道吗？』」
张先生和魏先生都不知道如何作答。
吕博士又说：「人类医治癌症到目前为止只有两条路，第一条路是消灭病源，第二条路是增加抵抗力。但很奇怪的是，癌无论用钴60或其它药物去消灭癌细胞，可是癌细胞还没被消灭，好的细胞却先被杀死。另无论用什幺营养、补药，好的细胞还未吸收，癌细胞却先吸收、让癌长得更快；因此可说上述两条路都行不通、所以叫绝症。」
吕博士又说：人类的聪明连登陆月球也都已经成功，但为什幺没有人去怀疑上述两条治癌的路是在钻牛角尖，另外找第三条路？感谢上帝赐给我以往在马偕医 院做癌症方面的临床实验，并得院内各部同仁协助的机会，我发现癌症病人血液检查的结果百分之百都是酸性反应。长期素食、且生活接近然的佛寺僧尼，由于体质都偏属优质弱碱性，所以尚没有发现罹患癌症的病例。因此我大胆的断定在弱碱性体质的状态下，癌细胞是无法生长、甚至是无法生存的。张先生我建议你从现在起少吃酸性的荤食类，多吃碱性食物，另外可吃绿藻和带壳菱角汤，改变你的体质，并励行接近自然的良好生活规律；如果五年内不死、你就没问题了，愿上帝祝福你。」
张先生依照吕博士的建议，认真改变吃的习惯，每天又吃绿藻、喝菱角汤，乐观加上每天适当的运动，一年后再到同一公立医院检查结果，发现肿瘤不但没有长大、反而已呈现萎缩状态，遂令医院检查人员惊为奇迹，五年后竟完全处于萎缩、至近于消失状态。
经过了将近四十年岁月，现在张先生的健康情况完全正常，生活起居甚为愉快。继张先生之后，有位前台东省立医院总务课长陈添寿先生，同样得到肺癌；魏先生得知后将张先生的经过转告陈添寿先生，陈先生乃依照吕博士的建议进行改变体质，结果与张先生同样愈癌症。
那时吕博士全家已移民美国，事后吕博士回来台湾再与魏先生见面时，魏先生将张先生和陈先生的经过告诉吕博士，并提议由他们俩位亲自向吕博士陈述，请吕博士发表其改变体质之自疗成果报告。吕博士谦虚地回答说：我年事已大，! 且没有临床纪录不能做为成果。请魏先生转告亲友，如果友人认同的话，请他们继续做体验并广为宣导........。」
关心自己也要关心别人，85﹪癌症病患属于酸性体质。健康人的血液是成弱碱性的，约是PH7.35～7.45左右。婴儿也是属于弱碱性的体质。成长期的成人有体质酸化的现象。根据一项六百位癌症病人体液分布的研究，显示85﹪癌症病患属于酸性体质。因此，如何使体质维持在弱碱性就是远离疾病的第一步。
酸性体质的生理表征：
1.皮肤无光泽。
2.香港脚。
3.稍做运动即感疲劳，一上公车便想睡觉。
4.上下楼梯容易气喘。
5.肥胖、下腹突出。
6.步伐缓慢、动作迟缓。
为什幺会形成酸性体质？
1.过度摄取乳酸性食品
a）肉类、奶酪制品与蛋、牛肉、火腿等皆属于酸性食品。
b）摄取过量的酸性食品血液会倾向酸性而变黏稠，不易流到细血管的末稍，而易造成手脚或膝盖的冷寒症，以及肩膀僵硬和失眠等。
c）年轻力壮时吃适量的肉类是对的，但老年人则以蔬菜或小鱼为宜。
2.生活步调失常会造成酸性体质
a）生活步调失常会造成精神与肉体的压力。
b）据统计，晚睡者罹患癌症的机率比正常人高出五倍。
c）人类本来就活在节奏的世界里，无法事先储备睡眠或饮食，也不能日夜颠倒。
d）人体内脏受自律神经控制，白天主要是交感神经活动，晚上则由副交感神经工作，若使其错乱及倒置，就亦百病滋生。
3.情绪过于紧张
a）文明社会会造成的压力。
b）工作上或精神上的压力。
c）当一个人承受精神压力后，一旦紧张松弛，时会造成猝死，称为潜在性副肾皮质机能不全症。
4.肉体的紧张
a）动手术之前应先检查肾上腺皮质机能是否正常。如果副肾皮质机能较差， 或手术压力远超过副肾调整功能，则可能造成病人死亡或其它不良影响。
b）若发现病患脸部浮肿，需详加询问病史及服药状况，为长期服用肾上腺皮质贺尔蒙者，施以针灸要特别注意反应。
c）劳动或运动过度，通宵打牌、开车等压力都应尽量避免。
附录：常见食物的酸碱性
1.强酸性食品：蛋黄、奶酪、白糖做的西点或柿子、乌鱼子、柴鱼等。
2.中酸性食品：火腿、培根、鸡肉、鲔鱼、猪肉、鳗鱼、牛肉、面包、小麦、奶油、马肉等。
3.弱酸性食品：白米、落花生、啤酒、酒、油炸豆腐、海苔、文蛤、章鱼,泥鳅。
4.弱碱性食品：红豆、萝卜、苹果、甘蓝菜、 洋葱、豆腐等。
5.中碱性食品：萝卜干、大豆、红萝卜、蕃茄、 香蕉、橘子、番瓜、草莓、蛋白、梅干、柠檬、菠菜等。
6.强碱性食品：葡萄、茶叶、葡萄酒、海带芽、海带等。 尤其是天然绿藻富含叶绿素，是不错的碱性健康食品，而茶类不宜过量，最佳饮用时间为早上。

~转寄亦是积阴德~

Women are smarter

You will love this :-

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.







The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!


Share this with all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.

English and Irish Jokes

McMullan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McMullan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothing', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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"I've Lost My Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all my luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

More jokes

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear

Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
--------------------------------------------------

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
------------------------------------------

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
--------------------------------------------------

Manager : Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!
--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
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"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear.What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
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Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
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Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
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A teacher was asking her class:"What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal is a sick eagle."
---------------------------------------------------

Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
-----------------------------------------------------

Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient : What happened?
Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient : Well... The bad news first ...
Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
----------------------------------------------------

Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : -90.00.
Patient : -90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
-----------------------------------------------------

Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level

JUST FOR A LAUGH

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.