Top Jokes

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the
ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:

"You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used
a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and
frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and
bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of
minutes, then calmly says:

"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight...."

THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is
heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

SECOND PLACE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and
a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at
the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do
you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang
of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he
could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
terror like his passengers.


Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'

The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.